Ever since I was young, I never associated this feeling with a label before. All I knew was that something was wrong whenever I felt this way. Maybe somebody mistreated me. Or I had wronged someone. Maybe it was just stress. It all felt the same.
I have this tendency to bottle my feelings up. Why? I think it had to do when I vented to my mother at the wrong time, and she just snapped. I am sure it was the cultural barrier that caused the miscommunication to happen in the first place. Long story short, my mom thought I was gossiping, but all I needed was someone to talk to. I don’t blame her for not wanting to listen to some middle-school drama. Ever since then, I tried my best to keep things to myself. I didn’t want to bother anyone. I didn’t want people to judge me based on what I was worried about. Of course, there came a point where people could tell that I wasn’t ok. In middle school, my Algebra 1 teacher asked “Are you ok, Amanda? Are you sure?”. All I said was yes, while fighting back tears.
I have only started opening up to people recently. College has blessed me with a couple of friends that made sure that I had someone to turn to. Recently, I’ve been incredibly overwhelmed with school, clinical rotations, work, extracurriculars, and my personal life. A couple days ago, the stress overwhelmed me to a point where I unintentionally cause one of my good friends to feel really upset. Even though it’s been two days, I still feel horrible. I felt like the worst friend ever during my clinicals. I would wake up and one of the few things I would worry about is her forgiving me.
I’ve been feeling a little lonely lately. I just hope this will all pass soon.